Nights are always the hardest. Every time I close my eyes, I dream that when I wake up, I’d finally be home.
It’s been over four months now and you would actually think that I’ve probably gotten over being miles — correction, oceans away — from home. Well guess what, I’m not. Everyday has been a struggle to say the least. And as much as I don’t want to bother anybody else with what I am going through, my family and friends back home has sustained me.
Fish out of water. That’s exactly what I feel. Everytime I wake up, it’s like I have to gasp for air. I have to fight to live. Some days, I just want to give up altogether. Then, someone from the other side of the world would talk to me. It doesn’t lessen the misery but for that brief moment, I feel home again.
As much as I’d like to think that things could only get better, I actually feel the opposite. I’ve probably complained more to my friends now than I ever did in my 31 years of existence. I have probably told them more than once since moving here that my tear ducts aren’t being shy anymore. They would just stream tears anywhere at any time they feel like it. Every time that happens, I feel like an idiot. Imagine me, a grown woman, staring into space and crying at Starbucks or aimlessly wandering the isles of a grocery store while balling my eyes out. I could not help it. It comes and takes over me completely.
I used to be somebody — not in the fame kind of sense — but I definitely knew who I was back then. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle of uprooting myself — I lost me. If one was to ask me to describe myself now, I’d probably say — “I’m a wreck.” That’s just what it is. How I wish it’s not the case though.
My friends would tell me things like, “You just need to start working.” But at this point, I don’t even know if working is the solution. Will work piece me back together? Will it let me find me again? I don’t know. I’ll let you in on the answer in a couple of weeks. Then again, I’d hear someone tell me, “You just need to make friends.” Yeah right. In my current mindset and everything else, yeah, someone out there would want me to be their friend. I don’t know, I guess the four months I’ve been here has turned me into a hardcore pessimist.
This has to end at some point. I could only wish that it be sooner rather than later.
Had I known, I wouldn’t have kept opening the door.